Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Art of Communication, What are You Saying ?

The Art of Communication, What are You Saying ?
Verbal Communication- The Deal

This particular article on communication is focused on relationships... However, most of the questions and techniques also apply to friendships and business deals...

In all Business there is a deal that is struck between two parties, the same thing must apply in any relationship if you expect it to be one of substance and longevity.

How does that work ? Communication is KING.  One must be willing to be brutally honest about who they are and what they are willing to Contribute, Do, Be, etc…  I would like to add to that, that using Compassionate, Passionate Communications is key.  Ask as many questions as need be to arrive at a Win-Win situation where both parties needs are being met with optimum outcomes that are easy to achieve. You don’t want things to be Difficult-as all Relationships, Friendships, and Business are to be ENJOYED, otherwise what is the point.

Let me clarify WIN - WIN... A true win-win is when both parties are GIVING massive VALUE to one another because they CHOOSE to and for no other reason - Meaning there isn't the I did this for you, therefore, I expect this from you in return. You are either Willing to be completely in or not... Ultimately when we are GIVING freely to others willingly, the outcomes usually are that you are receiving as well; that just tends to be the way it is, that is if You are OPEN to receiving.  That is a whole other subject. 

Be sure to be extremely interested about your Partners, needs, wants, and goals and; be CRYSTAL clear what both of your INTENTIONS are. I don’t like to use the word expectations because that usually is a set up for failure, so I always use the word Intentions instead; and it is the INTENTIONS of both parties that will either make or break any Relationship, Personal or Business. 

The Ultimate setting for a Powerful, Sustainable, Joyful, Passionate Relationship is to have  a Values and Goals alignment between two parties, where it is a Big Win-Win about the most commons things in any partnership: Values, Overall Outcomes wanted, Dreams, Interests, Friendships, Money, Sex, Work, How many Children, How will we raise our children, as all of these things are Vital to any successful relationship. FRIENDSHIP between the two parties is essential, it is the foundation of trust and is the pivotal building block to the beginning of anything and everything else.

Communication also involves being versed in many things, educating yourself about what is going on Politically, Staying current on current events,  staying in the know about your partners business, on things You and Your partner enjoy Hobby wise and more. Being SELF EDUCATED is as important as having a College degree. College degrees are great, and I know a lot of famous people that never went to college or even folks that dropped out of college like Bill Gates did. As long as you are continually SELF- educating yourself that is all that matters. Our brains are a beautiful thing, and a shame to waste, nourish it with things you are passionate about, learn about different cultures, Read books, Magazines, take self-development courses, Travel, learn a second language, become as diversified as you can.  Diversity is the cornerstone to great Communication, as well as being able to Ebb and Flow in any given environment or situation.

The art of negotiation or another way to put is, persuasion; is another important skill to Master. Do you know how to negotiate – persuade ? In life you are going to be in situations where you are going to have to negotiate, you might as well learn how do it effectively and where you are creating Win-Win situations. I believe in creating Win-Win situations in all business whether it be personal, relationships, financial or other, both parties come out happy and usually the deal is a lot sweeter, Productive and Abundant all around.  Again, I will say that creating a Win-Win does not mean I did this for You therefore You owe me this. When we offer or give to another or make a deal it has to be an authentic Give- meaning you are choosing to do it because you want to and for no other reason and you have no expectation of the return.  This is KEY...  You will find that in all deals, when are doing what You love and for no other reason your deal making will be a lot more effortless and rewarding. 

Now, there is a saying that one should never expect anything lest you be disappointed, that is a true statement in my opinion. First off, I don’t personally like the word “Should” I should have done this or that, and I never go into anything expecting anything because we are all beings of free will and Choice and bottom line, you can lead a person to water, however; you can’t make them drink it.  Having an in depth conversation with someone you care about, where there is Chemistry, Symmetry, and a Connection and you Align on Dreams, Intentions, Outcomes and Passions, it makes for a much more Fun, solid Foundation from which to build on.  You have to have a solid Foundation, Core and Friendship in which to build from, asking these questions and taking ACTION steps from all the questions below will help you do that.

A Huge factor in The Art of Communication is FEEDBACK...  It is through Feedback that we can Choose to Learn, Play and Grow or not... Don't be afraid to give someone feedback, just remember to Always Speak from Your HEART, Speak Freely, However; Be Authentic, Honest, Compassionate, Passionate, Have a Steady Relaxed tone, Relaxed body language, and in a way that it can be HEARD... One of my favorite phrases is Compassionate Passionate Communications, meaning when talking to someone come from you Heart speak passionately and have compassion. 

Whether you know it or not, everything you Say is USUALLY something somebody else has been WAITING to Hear, We are All AMAZING Teachers and Healers for one another...  

Personally, I will always ask the person if they are OPEN to feedback and I watch their body language, as I ask the question. In doing so, the Feedback will be able to be Heard, Processed, Absorbed and then Integrated easier, than just starting a conversation with feedback and then the person's walls might start to come up because they are feeling blindsided and then they start to get defensive. 

Questions to ask yourself  and Partner - What are your Intentions:
You can Alter these questions for Business and or Friendship I have focused on Relationships here in the questions.

*Joint account for household purposes
*Make sure to always have one account in your name to establish credit and independence.
*What is expected of you financially ?
*What is expected of your partner financially ?
*What are your common outcomes financially ?
*You really need to have a FRANK conversation about sex as sex is different for everyone.
*Sex how often ?
*What type of sex how often ?
*What is Great sex for you, for him, positions etc.. ?
*What turns each of you on ?   Where ?
*Talk about each other’s fantasies.
*What are the DEAL breakers, meaning if you do this I AM DONE or if you do this I am willing to talk about it etc…
*Am I expected to work ?
*Can I be a stay at home mom ?
*Can I work from home ?
*Can You work with Your Partner on a business ?
*Are you expected to support partner ?
*Are you expecting partner to support you ?
*Do you want children ?
*How many ?
*Do you want to adopt ?
*Have your own and adopt ?
*Align on Child rearing methods.
*Do not wait till you have children to discuss how you would raise them, that is a disaster waiting to happen.
*What Religion if any are we going to raise them with ?
*Do you keep yourself educated thru self- study, self development courses, reading ?
*Do you know the art of negotiation ?
*Are you up to date on current events ?
*Do you know your partners likes and dislkes ?
*Do you know each others Passions, Dreams ?
*What do you and your partner like to do Hobby wise ?

The questions are Endless- get CREATIVE, and jot down some of your own questions you may have.

Questions to ask yourself about Your Communication Skills:

*When responding are you talking to fast ?  Slow ?
*Are you an interesting conversationalist ?
*Are you being articulate ?
*Are you being understood ?
*Position yourself at an angle to the person when talking to establish a better rapport, it sets them at ease, then squaring off with them.
*Is your body language Relaxed ?
*How do you handle Feeback ?
*How do you give Feedback ?
*Are you being Authentic- Yourself ?

Below are some fun exercises to Learn, Play and Grow with...


*Write up for yourself what are your intentions in being in the relationship with your partner.

*Pick from the questions above which ones are most important to you, and then enter into a discussion where you both come to terms on said arrangement and what your Intentions are towards each other and the common outcome.

*Sit in chairs opposite from each other and while looking into each others eyes, you are going to say only Positive, Loving Things to your partner about how you feel and Appreciate them, do this for 1 minute. The partner who is RECEIVING is not to say anything the entire time, they are just to be Listening and in Receive Mode. The objective here is for each partner to be able to give and receive without any judgement. Do this 3x each.
By the way this is an awesome exercise for Co-workers as well.

The Art of Communication is a book in of itself so I will leave you with the above for now... And this is an abbreviated article from a course I teach on "The Art of the Multi-Sensory Journey" and part of a book - handbook - DVD- and Audio I am in the middle of writing and working on.

The other Articles are: 
"The Art of Listening, What are You Hearing ?"
"The Art of Touch, What are You Feeling ?"
"The Art of Seeing, What are You Seeing ?"

If you want to be put on the list for taking the course, please email contact info to: and indicate in subject heading: Want to know more about "The Art of the Multi-Sensory Journey"

The Muses of Carly Alyssa Thorne
Cocoon to Flight Publishing

2001 Copyright ©Transformations Life Coaching and Carly Alyssa Thorne


  1. Great article Carly...thanks for sharing this! I am coming back here again to reread this...and maybe even copy onto my docs so I can keep referring back!

    1. Thank You Paul-Eugene... Feedback is always welcome...

  2. Great posting; awesome topic !! I loved it :)

    1. Mithu, Thanks for the Feedback, Have an Awesome Day.
      : )))

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Good read and very insightful Carly

  5. Carly thanks for the post. Few post are frank like this one. Truth and considerations that helps in everyday activities.

  6. Thanks for all the useful and actionable advice.

  7. Consistently thought-provoking... good stuff Carly!

  8. Consistently thought-provoking! Good stuff, Carly!


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All feedback is welcome as it gives us the opportunity to Learn, Play, and Grow each and every day...

We are the Actors-Actresses, Writers, Editors, Producers, Directors, Co-Creators of Our Lives, We can create anything, anytime... Lets Do it -
Carly Alyssa Thorne